This is Unpretending’s Substack, Multiplicity: A Box of Odd Socks. Sometimes I feel Stupid.
Please forgive me for my croaky voice. I have Covid. I’ll talk about that in another episode.
Sometimes I feel stupid. When I’m overwhelmed and have no idea what has triggered me and I can’t do seemingly simple things like regulate my emotions.
My therapist would beg to differ about the stupidity, stating that as a child I did not have the safety, security and love that teaches a person how to regulate their nervous system. Therefore when my nervous system is triggered by someone inside who is remembering the past as if it is still happening, our nervous system collapses in the fear telling my body and each one within us that we are unsafe, regardless of whether we are or not, and we need to react in Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn and Flop.
I’ve worked with my therapist for almost 5 years and she’s been teaching me the same thing.
“When I feel safe and regulated then the ones inside will learn to feel safe and regulated.”
What has infuriated me in the past and has at times led me and others inside to want to give up on living within society, is that we have been trying our whole lives to learn to “control” our emotions, and behave like a seemingly “normal” human with very little solid change. Learning about our System also means learning about our nervous system, which is a slow complicated task due to the many people living within this body.
Some within say, “How the heck can I learn to be safe when my body is constantly triggered by those inside me who don’t feel safe?” And, “Why do I have to be the one to do this safety thing in the first place?”
We often feel like a child having a tantrum, a rebellious teen wanting to slam interior doors, and even frustrated adults who’ve run out of patience.
Yesterday Jo, one of our teens arrived at therapy. Refusing to let the therapist know who she was, she set herself up on the floor and not in our usual chair. Then she marched around the therapists room, through the kids play area as if surveying to make sure everything was in order. I don’t know what she said but she was frustrated and disappointed at everyone and everything.
Finally after verbally vomiting out who knows what, our therapist got her to sit down and write one sentence in our note book.
“Therapy: For me (us) to feel safe no matter where we are.”
Yep. Safety. It’s all about safety. If the one supposedly in the role of Host (currently Unpretending and/or The Body’s Name) feel safe, those inside will feel safe.
But what happens when the people inside don’t feel safe?
Because that’s when we feel the fear. And those fearful feelings go around and around and around for eternity. We’ve been in therapy for years and it seems like we never move from this repeated circle of fear, shame and dread.
Spencer, one of our Middles said to the therapist, “I know I’m not in a scary place no more, and I know I’m in a different time but I can’t shake away all the scary times.”
Learning to work as a Team and learning the roles of each System member takes time. Our therapist wants myself (the Body’s Name) and Unpretending to learn how to regulate Our nervous system to heal the constant fear inside. It feels like an impossible task.
But will I (Unpretending) ever get it?
Will I ever be able to stand up proud and not feel afraid?
Will the ability to regulate the trillions of emotions, from those within, ever be a thing?
I’ve written in the past how I’m not happy about having the role of Host, but maybe somehow I’m learning to accept it. Maybe by accepting this role I’ll actually make “regulation” progress.
While we were away in the United States we left all the triggers behind. Most things were new and exciting, and barely anything triggered us back into the past. I believe being where we are loved in a way that our System feels completely accepted and cared for, the anxiety, fear, shame and dread all fell away. We had almost a month where this System and the Body’s nervous system was able to relax, recharge, and recalibrate. Of course we know that we cannot completely run away from our past and that our past will follow us wherever we go, but it was an incredible experience to feel Systematically well for the most part.
After arriving back into our life in Australia this week, we believe we may have more capacity than before we left. Sure the triggers have once again slammed into us like hitting a wall, yet I think we settled back into this world.
We, our System will be able to work together more cooperatively (Co-op-er-ative-ly? I can’t speak). It’s like the month we had in the States has given us the opportunity to be free to learn about each other without the chaos that daily triggers cause.
The time in which we have been nurtured and were able to nurture in return, in a reciprocal relationship, has soothed and consoled us. Some of us who were “stuck” are feeling brave to step out without invisibility, others who have felt like the weight of our world was on their shoulders are feeling brave to let things go, and then others who feel the need to be the centre of attention are feeling brave to stop, watch and listen, without jumping headfirst into a situation or conversation.
Perhaps now the body has had enough of a break from the daily post traumatic stress that we/I, can work with our nervous system and do the therapy homework.
I, Unpretending, have a tendency to micro manage in day to day living as a way to seek safety through control. Our therapist wants our System to gain a sense of control in ourselves with the learning to regulate our emotions, and in doing that we may not feel the need to control our environment. Sounds simple hey?
And do you know? We’ve known for years than when we feel okay on the inside then we do okay on the outside. It’s just the hard work that comes with it. It’s almost like a full time job when living in Trigger-Ville.
“Practising is the key,” our therapist says. The key is noticing what I/We need. For example when someone in us gets overwhelmed our therapist suggested we use “blinkers” like they use with horses, not physical ones but metaphorical ones, metaphorical blinkers - just look at a small section. Break down tasks into tiny parcels so they feel more manageable.
South East (Someone Else) says, “Manageable doesn’t mean hiding under the covers and not facing life, it means trying not to put too many expectations upon yourselves. If anxieties begin to build, stop, breathe and recognise you may need to take some expectations back.”
Our therapists also wants us to work on movement so we connect ourselves to our physical body. We move this body a lot with incidental exercise while gardening and looking after the children and the home, but our therapist means purposeful movement, attuned movement like yoga or tai chi. Somehow I just need to add that into our daily routine, another form of self care, physical self care.
Let’s see if we can practice these self care tasks and not make it another expectation or forget it after a couple of days, something that happens a lot. I, The Body’s Name, am determined to get to a better place, a more manageable place while we are living in a place with the triggers of my past. I’m also determined not to cycle back and have to start at the beginning all over again.
Thank you for coming to our Substack.
This has been Unpretending and The Body’s Name for Unpretending Spontaneous.
We hope you have a wonderful day.