Multiplicity: A Box of Odd Socks #7
The Story towards the beginning of our healing from Unpretending and The Body’s Name
Unpretending started writing about parenting as a person with DID and that episode is coming in the next day or so. However she got onto another train of thought as we were remembering what our nine year old daughter said when she was processing finding out her mother has multiple people or multiple personalities inside her body. The daughters processing was rather like the theory of Internal Family Systems which we will write a bit about here.
So this blog post has become more about us as a System and how we are seeing the beginning of our healing taking place. Mind you, we, the people here have been trying to get well, or fixed, or better, or healed or whatever you want to call it for our entire lives. So when I say beginning, I mean the beginning with the knowledge that we are multiple.
How does a person become a people’s. A body with multiple personalities?
Trauma and or Attachment disorders as a young child that’s how.
These can be the result of intentional violence—like emotional, neglect, physical or sexual abuse, or witnessing domestic violence. They can be the result from medical procedures or the loss of a parent or sibling or caregiver. They can also be the result of natural disasters, accidents, or war.
Without going into the detail of the trauma, I will tell what I think happened to us which made us multiple.
As a very small child or infant even, because whatever kind of trauma we had to endure, I think the one personality that was, had to split apart as the trauma was too much for us to endure. Dissociation to a safe place in our head or out of our body where we could manage instead of remaining in whatever environment the trauma provided, may have been what happened.
Our body was still there, the trauma was still there however a different personality was now present experiencing whatever kind of trauma, while the other personality had dissociated away somehow. One enduring the trauma and protecting the other from it and the other could then come back to experience the non trauma environment.
So now we had two personalities completely split from one another. Then over time, because of the environment we lived in, we split apart again and again to continue to cope with the life we had been placed into, or to escape from the reality life had placed us into. And for us, some who had split have then split again and maybe even again but I’d like to think not.
I, the Body’s Name, had always had weird photo like memories. Mostly of myself looking in at myself as if it’s a photo. However these memories are not photos others can see, just snap shots in my head. I knew certain things, body memories: Feeling very cold memories; and not being able to get warm memories; Feeling hungry memories; And some pain memories but always snapshots. I thought for as long as I can remember that’s what a memory was. I didn’t know memories could have the story behind a snapshot.
I also thought it normal not to remember whole years taking place, or to remember rooms in houses I’ve lived in. And several years ago, I thought I was getting Early Onset Dementia because my older children would talk about things that I had absolutely no knowledge about and should have known. I even went and had a scan done, twice over a period of a couple of years. These scans showed no sign of dementia.
We’d been to therapy before, counselling, groups, courses, self help books. Not always, just periodically over the years, trying to work out why we didn’t seem to really fit anywhere. We lived our life the best we thought we knew how. But hindsight 🤦.
It was somewhere during the period between 2013-2017 when the trauma experiences of another child who had come into our external life awakened some memories for us and they came like a stab in the dark. The memories was so out of the realm of my thinking that I was absolutely convinced I had become warped and twisted and was making it up in my head. And for whatever reason this memory kept showing up in my head, like a movie and this memory put the dots together like a jigsaw puzzle on several of my very early snap shot photo memories. I began a steep downward spiral into a severe depression that has now changed the course of my life. My entire life had been a lie. I needed help.
I looked up trauma counselling in my city and using instinct or that ‘feeling’ I sometimes get, I chose a trauma informed therapist and made an appointment. That was sometime in 2018, she happened to be exactly who I needed and is still my therapist today.
I felt like a nut case and she, my therapist, could see I was not managing with even day to day life. She started with that. It was years before we even began to look at my childhood and we still have only barely touched on any trauma.
Over about a year, my therapist worked with me on mindfulness and coping skills because I was so very much afraid all the time about everything. She knew long before she told me about my dissociation. She could see what she originally thought I had, an Other Unspecified Dissociative Disorder. It was when she gently sat me down and explained dissociation and how she could see it in me that I, the Body’s Name got so overwhelmed that I completely disappeared, leaving in my place Unpretending. I was not around at all as Unpretending and the others inside us did the beginning work of getting to know each other but that is her story. All I know was it wasn’t until somewhere towards the end of 2021 that I managed to surface again.
I, Unpretending was not impressed when the Body’s Name disappeared. No one knew where she was, no one could find her on the inside. I’d been around for a couple of years. I don’t know how I even got here are but here I was left alone with this therapist. I didn’t even have a name at the time.
What I do know is that is how I got my name Unpretending, which although it is my name, it is also the first name of our System. That does not mean I own this System or that it’s mine or anything, it’s just the name that fitted me.
I, Unpretending am learning how to be me. And not the person we have thought we have had to be or who we were raised to be. We are coming into our own as a real person and not a fake pretending person. An unpretending person instead of a pretending person. Mind you, that is not to say I’m always unpretending, much of the time I can find myself to still be pretending, to still people please, to still say and behave in ways so people might like me and think I’m a nice person. We haven’t thought we are nice or good or anything of any worth most of our lives so It’s a long process I’m leaning how to be real and not pretend.
The name Spontaneous, which is not my name but the Systems second name, comes from not wanting to be stuck in the fear our System has lived in for all our existences. We want to heal and learn to shake off that fear and be Spontaneous in stepping out with courage.
It has taken me a couple of years to accept who I am and why I am here. And this leads me into how we started writing this episode in the first place.
Our nine year old.
We decided as a System, that it was important for our children to know about our diagnosis. My therapist had lent to me and suggested I read a book to my younger children called, “My Mummy has Multiple Parts.” By Joh Knyn, an Australian author and therapist. It is a good book to introduce children to the concept of DID.
A few days after reading the story to our then 8 year old and after lots of discussions she said to me,
“Mummy, I think I'm a little bit like you. I think I have parts. Seven parts but they're all still me. I don't think they're split like yours are Mummy. And I like my parts too, like you do”.
At the time it really confused me but was also quite refreshing as well, how this kid who also is autistic, has such amazing insights? I don’t know, but I’ll embrace them.
So that brings me to tell you what I know about the theory and therapy treatment of Internal Family Systems (IFS) by Dr Richard Schwartz. Its is similar to what our daughter was thinking. This treatment model is not one everyone inside me thinks it is plausible nor does it reflect us as someone with DID but it does explain a lot and thats why I want to mention it here.
Internal Family Systems works on the concept that everybody is born with sub divided personalities, sub divided parts. And that everybody has multiple parts, for example the outgoing part or the work part, the mum part or the sporty part but they're all the one person and they're not split in a way that the parts have become their own individual personality. Those people with DID in the Internal Family Systems model, who experienced early childhood trauma of whatever kind their parts have been pushed into roles that they’ve had to play such as Protector parts, Rescuing parts etc, and that those parts have latched onto beliefs or mis attachments. That latching on is what is keeping them in that role even though the trauma is not still happening.
The healing involved in IFS is to help these parts be released from their burdens that they carry so they can become the parts they were originally intended to be.
Interestingly, my therapist must use some ISF therapy even though she doesn’t call it that. Because she talks about safety a lot. If my system feels safe they don’t need to be doing the things they do to try keeping me safe. She is helping us learn to work together as a System to build a strong team so we can work together and be functional in our life.
My Beautiful Person in my life compliments my work in therapy in a similar way. She is the person who the people in this System feel safest with and many talk to her about all sorts of things and in doing that I believe their burden is being reduced in some ways. Being in a relationship with our Beautiful Person Multimes has not only taught us what love truly is, they have also given this System a place to finally be accepted as who we are in a non therapy like experience. Learning to trust, learning to love and be loved. Learning safety in attunement, learning safety in ruptures, and even learning that ruptures doesn’t mean abandonment and condemnation. I may get her to be in a PLOG episode one day soon. I digress.
What I, Unpretending personally do not think is true for me at least that the theory of IFS talks about is that there is a CORE self, who has these eight qualities such as calm, compassion, confidence, clarity, curiosity, clarity, creativity and connectedness. The theory suggests that the Core Self has the knowledge of how to heal internally and externally. Personally that doesn’t seem to be the case with us and I’ll explain why.
From my perspective as Unpretending, I don’t know if we have a Core Self, the one who was going to be THE personality. There are many inside of us who have those 8 qualities, The Body’s Name, Georgina, The Teacher, Max although he doesn’t always choose the use them, me even, maybe? Even some on the kids have these qualities, Spencer at least seems to. And there are those inside of us, well some at least who believe they themselves are whole people and not parts of someone split. Whether that is true or not doesn’t matter to us as a System right now, what does matter is that WE all matter and how they see themselves matters and they are part of this team, this System we call Unpretending Spontaneous.
This is another reason that tells us that we don’t necessarily have a Core Self, what seems to happen to me at least is that I can become influenced by another within me. I won’t quite feel myself and find myself thinking, speaking and or acting in ways that are not completely me. IFS theory calls this blending but for me, I know when I’m blending with someone because I can feel who they are, I can feel them close to me. However when I’m being influenced it’s more like someone has latched onto me for whatever reason, it can last minutes or longer, even up to a couple of days, and I could also not be always fronting during the time they have latched onto me. What I do know is when I’m released from them it is incredibly obvious and feels so freeing to be completely me again. I’m sure the Body’s Name can also feel influenced at times as well but I’m not sure about others. I wonder if what I’m saying makes sense.
In the theory of IFS it would be saying I, Unpretending is the Core Self, or The Body’s Name is the Core Self. I believe my therapist actually thought the Body’s Name was the Core Self for a long time because that’s who she first met. The Body’s Name seems to have been around periodically, off and on for many years so she could potentially be the Core Self. However she has experienced much relational trauma and finds learning new things difficult and she understands even less social cues than I do. If needing to have the knowledge of how to heal is part of the Core Self, then she isn’t it and I say that in kindness.
I do know inside us there are people who sit behind others or beside others or come closer together at times. 🤔 The way my System works is an anomaly that’s for sure. We are still learning about us and things inside tend to shift and change as we go. That does bring about thoughts of unbelief and denial sometimes. Sometimes we actually wonder if we are not just completely insane and have made everything up in our head. That can be an entire episode of its own. Denial.
Interestingly enough, ever since I, Unpretending, have known about our DID, I’ve been trying to work out what my role is. I know I’m not the Core Self because I believe I’ve only been around since somewhere about 2017, the memories before that are not my own, they have been given to me from others. Some memories I’ve had the opportunity to keep others I tend to get for a time and then they are not there anymore.
My therapist has been asking who is going to take on the role of “Host?” although she doesn’t use that word. She says, “Who is willing to step up and help everyone feel safe to do the healing?” They probably aren’t her exact words though.
I sure as blimey didn’t want to do it, but no one else would step up. It was like they were all waiting for me to finally get the idea that it’s my job. And as I’ve grown in confidence over the last couple of years maybe, I’ve started thinking I could be the one who can do the outside work to help with the inside work. But I also know that I’m not the one who can heal us as a System, I’m part of a team who is working together, learning healing together.
What I do know is for the last several years when I’ve asked why am I here the answer I have always gotten is, “It is your time.” Cryptic right? That hasn’t helped much other than wondering if others have had their time in trying to heal us and couldn’t do it so for some reason they’ve made me or something and it’s my turn.
We. Us. This System. Not some Core Self.
The Body’s Name says, “I know I'm not the Core Person but I seem to have been around a lot and I use the Body’s Name as my name. The therapist used to think I was the person in charge. But no way. Not me. I will not take the name Host or whatever it's called because I am not taking charge of helping. I can work with everyone and help everybody feel safe by getting to know everybody and learning how to live as a team. Just because I have the body’s name. I struggle in understanding this DID. I don't know why I’d have to do it. I used to say well actually in the beginning it was like, “I am just a part too? Like I'm just another personality in here? Just another alter or part? Oooh my goodness that means... what if I just disappear one day? Or ooh my goodness what if somebody else comes and takes over and like...””
It is a scary scary thought that you are Not alone in your body, it totally helps me understand why I see giant massive memory gaps and why other people on the inside show me stuff or like download information or something they show me things and then I have a memory but that memory only stays there for a little bit and they somehow it's not mine so they take it back again or something. I don't understand that but what I do know that I, Unpretending have finally decided to step up to help everybody learn to become a team.
Do you know what the hard part about that is? The hardest part about being the one to step up is there are people on the inside who know way more than me, who are much more intelligent and like the person we've been calling Sensible but her name really is Georgina... I don't know why but that's what it is. Why doesn't Georgina step up to do this job? That’s what I'd like to know? Because that's what her name has been Sensible, because she is the one who says sensible things like... if I'm losing the plot she's the one who calms me down by saying, “It’s okay, you’ve got this. Slow down, take a breath, look around you.” See.
So why do I have to be the one if she is so calm and so cognitive and so good? I never get any answers when I ask inside. I still would like to know as I’m still kind of wishing I wasn’t the one to stand up and do the work. But I know I’ll understand one day.
So there you have it. The story of the beginning of our healing from me, Unpretending and some from the Body’s Name.
Let me know what you think? Let me know what you agree with and disagree with. Do you want to know a secret? People are allowed to disagree on things and still be good people, people are allowed to disagree with one another and still like each other. Pretty cool hey? I reckon that shouldn’t be a secret in this world anymore.
Thank you for coming to my Substack. I hope you’re having a really great day.
Keep an eye out for the Blog to come out as the PLOG tomorrow. Some words are different and you kinda get to hear my intonation and stuff. I wonder how differently it reads?
Photo by Unpretending Spontaneous
https://pixabay.com/users/counselling-440107/
https://www.amazon.com.au/Mommy-has-Multiple-Parts-Dissociative/dp/B09SP8JQZX
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